It's almost ninety degrees just before noon on father's day which seems to be about normal for Father's Day. Yet I sit in the cool comfort of our sunroom/dining area gaze out over the hazy Roanoke Valley. While the children have long been all out on their own, it is never out of sight, out of mind if you are a father (or a mother).
It is exactly the opposite since our children are always on our mind especially when they are no longer at home. Still, the memories are always there. I can remember teaching them all how to drive and even restraining their mother from following our eldest when she took the car out the first time by herself. There were some mighty early travel hockey games that required my help and I was always there for car problems. Sometimes being with children is great fun, like being out in the surf jumping waves with them. Then there comes a time, far too soon, when they would rather you stay in the background.
Perhaps the essence of being a dad is doing whatever needs to be done, even if it isn't fun. We all know that getting kids to express appreciation can be a challenge, yet I keep close to my heart the idea that even when they don't immediately appreciate our efforts that someday they might look back and if nothing else smile because they find themselves doing the same thing that we did for them.
I really didn't get to know my father very well. I grew up with a strong mother amongst a very supportive extended family. My father had a stroke when I was young, and though he lived for many years, he really never was there for advice. I'm not sure sons ever find asking their fathers for advice very easy. These days with the omnipresence of Google we fathers might even be on the road to irrelevance. Once the kids learn how to type a Google query, who needs our advice especially since Google is much less demanding?
Yet there are benefits to being a father. For many years only rarely did I have to argue about who picks up the check. Now our oldest daughter will sometimes snatch it from me, and I can remember my son doing it a few times.
I usually get the first piece of a cake or pie since the rule seems to be that whatever is homecooked and misshapen belongs to dad.
I cannot ever remember anyone fighting me to mow the yard or take a car for service. My son did mow the yard many times until he reached the done mowing age and I have a treasured picture of my youngest daughter mowing when I was under the weather once. However, my lawn mower only has my fingerprints on it these days.
There are times as we get older when they will help with the big holiday meals and that does seem like a gift from heaven. A little help goes a long way and I know the best teacher is having been stuck with a big holiday meal yourself.
For a number of years, I was the mover of choice whether it was an old style, insanely heavy, monitor being carried up uncountable flights of stairs to a dorm room or a mattress that friends were going to help move if they hadn't gotten distracted by a party. Dad is usually there, waiting in the background, really to jump into action when needed. We don't need much encouragement, and we work for a smile which sure beats minimum wages.
Perhaps that's the most challenging part of being a dad. You stand back and watch your kids grow up. Sometimes they need help, and you know that giving a hand is the wrong thing to do, but it's still hard not to jump in with both feet when they need rescuing.
Then there are the times that you know that you have to get involved even though you aren't going to get thanks for doing it. It's a hard balancing act, knowing when to help and when to let them sink or swim on their own.
I'm reminded of my camera on the deck waiting for me to catch the right moment. I guess maybe that is it. Dads, if you're lucky, are there when you need them, and out of sight when things are going okay. You can always depend on them to try to help. Even if they might not be experts in what you need, dads are usually willing to give it try.
Of course, sometimes dads make mistakes. They overestimate their skills or stick their noses where they shouldn't be, but it's only done in the spirit of trying to help. When we sense that we can make a positive difference, a dad has to give it his best shot. If we try and fail, it's not because we don't love someone. We are willing to risk humiliation or whatever because we do love our kids and will do practically anything for them, including things we should probably leave for the experts.
Perhaps what we dads want most is to be a tiny part of our children's lives after they leave home. A phone call once in a while makes a huge difference to the old man. You don't have to divulge any secrets, you can even just talk to mom. Give her just enough information so we can stay off high alert and relax a little.
Our eyes on the world might not be as precise as the lens of a Nikon digital camera, but they are pretty good at recognizing the needs of our children, who no matter how old they get, will still always be our children.
And on this once a year treat for us dads, it's nice to be remembered in whatever way that happens.
Since this is father's day, here's the advice I wrote for my kids last July in "Some Advice To My Kids."
What good is father's day if you can't pontificate a little?
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